Last month, we gave you the opportunity to ask frequency TSJ #8.1 interviewee Andrew Hardingham your burning questions. After compiling our favorite five, here are his answers.

Fishing

Andrew,
I watched your fishing movie, where you just sat in a frozen boat (ed. see it here). Do you catch fish, or do you just drink beer?

Posted by Gareth
I didn’t catch a single fish that day because it was Christmas day and like how soldiers stopped shooting, the fish stopped stocking/biting. It was a real asshole thing to do too, so I bought a ring of there oceanic family (shrimp) and mowed down an entire community, then made it rain their cousin’s tail’s and BBQ sauce all day. Really, I doubt the fish gave a shit but it was mostly rum and coke and thoughts of pornography that fluttered through my head on X-mas.

I used to wake up early on Christmas every year and watch genocide movies before everyone woke up. Hotel Rwanda, Schindler’s List… The Killing Fields was last year’s Christmas film. This strategy always makes it easier to deal with family weirdness and Christmas songs that are too shitty to play any other time of year but for some reason are ok then.

Nowadays, I add 10 extra pounds to my gut and enjoy rum. Thanks for asking… do I have a hate for X-mas or what?

Strange Shred Dude

Why are you so damn strange and is it a front for the government?

Posted by Dude

This is a fantastic question and an even better answer than one I could give. I giggled when I read it, but the laughter soon fizzled like a cyanide tablet in my mouth when I realized that my cover was blown. I assume you mean the Islam government to which I worked as a spy for many years now. I almost had my mission accomplished too, because I thought that I picked the least “worldly problem worrying” industry to involve myself in as a cover. That seems to have back fired. I must now place the Government Issue Walter PP-K pistol in my mouth and slowly…sloowwwwly aim at my brain and……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Magical Powers

Dearest Andrew,

When it comes to the ability to produce snow, whose magical powers do you think formulate more snow: Unicorns or those little Snow Trolls with long beards and those funny leather fanny packs?

Dan Munro, via email

Well first off, I don’t believe in unicorns because they’re ideas contrived by Mattel to sell toys to stupid little girls. However, I do believe in trolls because I’ve been to the bar many times and seen them on a regular basis. Trolls are normally covered in an alchemy based solution called “foundation”. If you’re curious about whether you’re talking to a troll or not while on one of your vodka-induced stints, it’s good to drag it (the troll) to a well-lit area and peer closely at the fine hairs upon its face. If the hairs are thickened by this “foundation,” kick it in the chest plate and run. This is the only way to get rid of a troll for good.

Now if you happen to be too drunk, horny, or lonely to care then the answer to your question is clean. The troll produces more snow because, in referencing woman you have taken home in the past, trolls being ugly and unicorns being the beautiful ones, the trolls are the ones you leave earlier to escape home and thus creating a snow-like environment during the voyage; whereas with the unicorn you would clearly stay and cuddle—possibly do a morning go around—and by this time the sun will be shining and you will experience much less snow.

Thus, the troll produces more snow.

Ask Andrew

Why won’t you just go away?

Posted by Ira

To answer this intriguing question I will ask a question, where would I go if I were to go away—and where is away? Perhaps a bullet to the brain would fantasize you, my estranged stalker who could oh so easily just ignore a person like me. But then who would you hate. You need me to hate so that you have someone to put down when you’re in front of girls that love me. This will be your opportunity to shine when you tell them you know me and that I’m a complete dickhead. Tell them that I am a pussy and you kicked my ass twice, in the name of a girl’s honor of course. It happened a few years ago when you saw me grabbing her ass at the bar. You will look like a hero to them.

But if I were to just go away, you would have no one to hate on and you might have to actually snowboard good. This would not be good for you as you have so far to come before that happens. Good luck and hang in there champ.

Failure

Andrew, can you tell me about your most recent failure?

From Bill

There are too many to choose from. Why just the other day I failed at climbing a fence while fleeing a mad dog whose territory I really felt I was not invading. That f–king dog got me good.

Or perhaps it’s my failure in being misunderstood. I look at snowboarding as an activity I enjoy and the media behind snowboarding as a media outlet to have fun with. I exhibit my humor through films and stories and I enjoy writing and making them. Sometimes people don’t understand or don’t want to understand and they make pop judgments about people I work with or about me. But it’s this very failure that I like the most, because it gives me so much fuel to work on more projects that not everyone will enjoy.

I see it like this: if you’re making something that some people like and no one hates than you’re selling yourself short. If you make something that a lot of people love and the same amount hate, then you’re staying true to your ideas because you’ve gone through with them your way and on your terms. If you dilute your work to make more people happy, you’re just diluting yourself, and I think my biggest failure has been just that. I just can’t dilute my ideas, even if it makes me money and keeps me popular. F–k popular! My fans like my work so I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, and I’ll fail at making money and being a financial success.